


The Pirates! In an Adventure with Murder

by Prawnperson



Category: Pirates! In an Adventure with Scientists! (2012)
Genre: Additional Crew Members, I can’t do italics, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, attempt at comedy, mix of book and film canon, written in the style of the books
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:14:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26718862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Prawnperson/pseuds/Prawnperson
Summary: The pirate crew are down on their luck, when suddenly, an advertisement in a local newspaper seems to set the stage for their next adventure.
Relationships: Pirate Captain/Pirate with a Scarf
Comments: 5
Kudos: 9





	1. Publication of sirens

“...A half tin of whitewash, a half barrel of limes, and five emergency doubloons. It’s official, Captain. We’re gutted.”

The Pirate Captain pulled a rather pained face as he looked over his deputy’s shoulder and scanned down the pathetic list they had just finished.

“Is that really all we have on board?”

“I’m afraid so, sir. Even if we were to sell your paintings, trinkets, and keep only the basic essentials on board, we’d still just barely scrape up a hundred doubloons, give or take.”

The Captain cast a dubious glance about his office. As much as he loved his various bibelots, he knew they probably wouldn’t go for very much on the commercial market. About the only thing worth any real money—aside from his own handsome self, of course—would be Polly, and selling her was simply out of the question. At the same time, he knew that they really were in a dire situation, one that they couldn’t get out of with a daring sword fight or classically piratical raid. He furrowed his brow in thought. The Captain wasn’t very good with financial matters.

Thankfully, before any real harm could be done or any members of the crew could be sold off as a cheap substitute for railway workers, a grin crept its way across the pirate with a scarf’s pleasingly rugged features.

“We could always look in the paper, sir! It certainly worked the last time.”

While the Captain was inclined to agree with his first mate, he still had his reservations about the idea. He still felt a little tender hearted about his brush with true love on their last adventure with Romantics, and he really wasn’t too keen on the thought of getting it shattered to bits for a second time around without so much as a month of respite given.

“I don’t know. After the whole romantic escapade there last time, I’m not too confident about it.”

The pirate with a scarf nodded a little sadly. The Captain didn’t like it when he did that.

“Still, I suppose it’s the best idea anyone’s had in a while, so we may as well go with it.”

———

It seemed to be one of the rare occasions whenever the Captain had missed the crew’s fight entirely. Whenever he bounded up on deck, all teeth and curls and pleasant, open face, he was met by a boat covered in sprawling, bruised pirates and a few teeth rather than the unruly scrap he had been expecting. He couldn’t help but feel a touch disappointed, but was at least glad the conscious members of the crew had the good decency to give him their full attention.

“Listen up, lads!”

He bellowed. He liked to bellow.

“As you may or may not know, we’ve recently been facing a small bout of financial difficulty. It’s certainly nowhere near disastrous yet,”

The pirate with a scarf pouted the slightest bit beside the Captain.

“But I would still like for us to see if we can find some reasonable way to make money. Now, before you all start with your usual suggestions, I’ve decided it would be best to have a look in the paper.”

Everyone who still had the faculties to speak gave a modest cheer, save for Jennifer, the Victorian lady who had joined them so many adventures ago that nobody was that surprised by seeing her aboard anymore. 

“Captain, the only newspaper we have is from some weeks ago. It’s from London.”

“Well, I’m sure it’ll still do. Who knows, there might be somebody looking for a genuine pirate adventure!”

———

The crew’s enthusiasm for the entire newspaper affair gradually dwindled as they leafed through page after page of advertisements and still couldn’t manage to find one single viable opportunity that would suit their particular skill set. As the day wore on and the sassy pirate began to hand out lanterns, most of the pirates decided to head off to bed, and Polly to her perch in the Captain’s office, leaving only a few of them still on deck.

“I’ve got one here about a man looking for a pram.”

The albino pirate said through a yawn, adding the advert to his unreasonably large pile of newspaper clippings. The pirate in green tentatively raised a page and pointed to a large, ornate heart in the left column.

“There’s a woman here looking for a young man, openminded, under twenty five, limber. Could any of us do that?”

“I don’t think that’s quite in our area of expertise. Keep looking.”

The more they looked, the more hopeless it all seemed to be, until the Captain was quite ready to give up searching and seriously consider taking up work as a limber, twenty-something strip-o-gram. Just whenever it all seemed to be a great waste of a day, Jennifer beamed and turned the newspaper around to face the Pirate Captain and the pirate with a scarf.

“It’s not perfect by any means, but it opens up a good opportunity for some plundering. Look!”

The Pirate Captain adjusted his reading glasses. The pirate with a scarf squinted in a very unbecoming way.

Wanted!  
Live in serving staff. No references required. Meals and uniforms will be provided. Pay given weekly.   
45 Darlinghurst  
London, Mayfair

“Well?”

The Captain grinned at Jennifer, slapping her on the back quite hard, but not too hard in case she should accidentally shatter. He honestly wasn’t too sure if girls did that.

“You’re just right! We shall take up a job there, stay for a week, and steal their riches in the night. It’s foolproof!”

The pirate with a scarf didn’t much fancy the idea of sleeping in a draughty attic for a week. He also didn’t much fancy missing out on an opportunity to see the Captain in a sharp suit, so he cheered all the same. 

“You’re so smart, Jennifer.”

The pirate in green mumbled. The albino pirate didn’t say anything because he had fallen asleep with his head on the sassy pirate’s lap.

“So we’ll take it, then?”

The Pirate Captain raised his cutlass.

“Set a course for Mayfair!”


	2. Maintaining appearances

As the pirate boat finally docked and the crew clambered out with their bags in tow, the Captain couldn’t help but admire their childish enthusiasm, despite having been to the city so many times before. It was still too early for daylight, the stars shining off the surface of the water and illuminating the path to the train station like a string of fairy lights.

“Could we do some sightseeing first?”

The albino pirate asked, tugging gently on the Captain’s sleeve. There was the expected outpouring of suggestions and requests from the other pirates. Jennifer suggested visiting a waxworks museum again, to which the pirate in green made a squeaky noise. There was a little whistle from one of the more childish men.

“Captain, we really don’t have time for any of that unless we get the late train.”

And just like that, any hope of another bunk up in a museum foyer was forgotten about as they marched towards the station.

———

The pirates often found themselves disguised as women, children or sea monsters, so to be able to sit on the train to Central London in relatively civilian clothes came as something of a pleasant surprise. 

“So the plan is that we impersonate servants and steal their valuables?”

The Captain nodded, staring absentmindedly out the window as the grey blur of smog turned to a green blur of well trimmed hedges and cricket fields.

“Exactly.”

“And who do we say that we are?”

“Use your real names. Waffle on about being newly turned out from a boy’s home or something. It’s not like they’ll check up on us!”

The rest of the train ride passed uneventfully, everyone either nodding off or playing cat’s cradle with bits of old string until they finally reached Mayfair station.

———

45 Darlinghurst was a large, elegant house, made of white painted brick and surrounded by a slightly scrubby lawn. The steps to the front door, edged by neatly arranged carnations, were a dark grey stone that was currently being covered by a band of pirates.

“What do you think they’ll be like?”

The pirate in green whispered to Jennifer. She shrugged while adjusting the hold on the handle of her bag.

“Rich and waspy, I guess.”

The Captain, who was at the head of the procession, leaned forward and tapped the large gold door knocker against the glossy black door. The crew did a uniformly good job of scuffing their shoes and looking nervous. A rustling could be heard within, then the click of a latch, and finally, the door swung open to reveal a tall blonde woman sporting a fashionable striped blazer and a scowl.

“Can’t you read the sign out front? No hawkers or circulars allowed!”

As annoyed as she sounded, her voice still has a very elegant edge to it that solidified her posh appearance. She seemed ready to shut the door whenever the Captain shoved his foot in and thrust his hand forwards.

“We’re neither hawkers nor circulars. We’re here for the servant position.”

The woman looked at the scruffy collection of men and the slightly less scruffy young lady with them before stepping aside without shaking the Captain’s hand.

“I suppose you’d better come in, then. It’s horribly impertinent of you to use the front door, though. Who was your last employer?”

The crew once again did a uniformly good job of looking nervous.

“They were bohemians!”

The pirate with a scarf finally blurted. The blonde just rolled her eyes.

———

The pirates soon found themselves sitting in a large room with pea green wallpaper full of tasteful mahogany furniture that they apparently weren’t allowed to sit on. They all thought this was a bit rum, but they knew they wouldn’t have to put up with it for long so they held their tongues and admired the pictures. 

“I have to admit, Captain, I’m a little nervous.”

The Pirate Captain looked down at the pirate with a scarf before putting a large hand on his shoulder and shaking him gently.

“No need to be! We just have to pretend for a bit, that’s all. You’ll be grand.”

It looked like the pirate with a scarf was about to smile, but just then, the door creaked open and in walked a young man who the Pirate Captain, Jennifer and everyone else in the room immediately wanted to slap. He seemed to be taken aback, but only for a moment, and an oily sort of smirk was quick to creep across his annoyingly pleasant features.

“Pirate Captain.”

Greeted Alan Hinton, BA, Hons. The Pirate Captain turned a shade of red most readily associated with cooked lobster. The pirate with a scarf clenched his fists. The albino pirate scooted behind the pirate with gout under the mistaken belief that if he couldn’t see Alan Hinton, Alan Hinton couldn’t see him. Jennifer felt so cross that the underwire of her bra started to hurt. Everyone else just gaped.

After a very uncomfortable moment of silence passed, the pirate in green cleared his throat.

“...My, this is a nice room.”


	3. The cruel joke of fate

“You seem to have fallen on hard times, Captain.”

From the way Alan Hinton was talking, voice dripping with smugness, it seemed as though he wasn’t all that surprised. 

“While I’m aware of your past, I’m more than prepared to offer you honest work if you’re willing to take it. It seems the least I can do.”

The Pirate Captain hadn’t moved for the whole time Alan was talking, but he had at least returned to less of a beet like complexion.

“We have six people living here including myself. We require the full staff. Butler, footman and so on. Do you think you can do that?”

The Captain felt the most overpowering urge to tell Alan he wasn’t simple. He also wanted more than ever to steal everything in this house that wasn’t nailed down, so he decided to keep it to himself. He settled for nodding briskly instead.

“Good. In that case, I’d be more than happy to welcome you all into my employ.”

———

“It’s daddy’s house, you understand.”

Alan explained, leading the crew up yet another flight of stairs. 

“He lends it to us during the down season, you know, to get off the ship.It’s why we don’t have any proper servants. We’ve had to put up with our first mate’s cooking for a week and it’s been absolutely ghastly. All potatoes and cold beef.”

The pirate with a scarf scowled, the Pirate Captain giving his back a reassuring little pat in the hopes it might stop him saying anything harsh.

They finally reached the topmost landing, rounding a corner where hickory wooden panelling met faded wallpaper. The corridor was dark, lined by several neat, symmetrical doors. The shabby appearance was drawn together by a carpet with small holes in it that a few pirates found themselves tripping over.

“The bathroom’s just at the end of the hall. This is where you’ll all be staying, other than you two,”

He turned to the Pirate Captain and the pirate with a scarf.

“You’re upstairs. Follow me.”

———

“You have to share, but it’s quite spacious. Besides, you won’t be using it often, will you?”

Both the Captain and the pirate with a scarf were very glad that it was a rhetorical question, because neither of them could quite find something to say that wouldn’t immediately earn them dismissal. While it was true the room they were overlooking was vast, in part due to the window in the centre, it also happened to contain two iron bedsteads, one to the left and the other to the right. The rest of the furnishings went largely unnoticed.

“You’ll find uniforms in your size in the wardrobe. I’m assuming that you have your own pyjamas and things. You’re welcome to put up pictures or trinkets as you see fit, but any damages will be taken out of your wages at the end of the week.”

Alan gestured briefly back out to the hallway. 

“Warm water is available every other day, so you might as well bathe before your first day. You get one Sunday afternoon off a fortnight which you may spend as you please. I’ll be explaining your duties tomorrow at nine o’clock exactly.”

It finally seemed as though the young pirate had finished rambling on, however, just as he was turning to go, he seemed to decide to twist the knife in just once more.

“Oh, and another thing. I know it must be tempting sharing a room, but I don’t allow any hanky-panky between my staff, fairer sex or otherwise.”

And before either man could stammer out a flustered objection, the door slammed shut and shook pieces of dust from its hinges.

“The cheek of the man!”

The Captain yelped, just as soon as he was quite certain that Alan Hinton was out of earshot. The pirate with a scarf sat very gingerly on the edge of his bare mattress, letting out a sigh as he fiddled with the tassels on his scarf. The Captain quickly followed suit, only much more angrily, secretly quite pleased that the bed frame made an almighty squeak whenever he threw himself down.

“I have a very bad feeling about this, Captain. He’s either going to humiliate us or have us arrested or-or-“

“Calm down, Number Two. We don’t start until tomorrow. That will give us plenty of time to get used to things and practice anything we might have to. We don’t even have to hide the fact we’re pirates!”

“I suppose so, sir...”

The longer the Pirate Captain sat there, the more and more uncomfortable he felt with the silence in the room. 

“You know, if you want, you could take the first bath.”

The pirate with a scarf beamed.

“Thank you very much.”

“See! We’ll be fantastic roomies, don’t you worry.”

———

Whenever the pirate with a scarf finally returned to the shared bedroom, he was pleasantly surprised to find two uniforms hanging over the wardrobe drawer. Both seemed to be fairly the right size, although one had a black jacket that seemed a touch to large at the shoulders for anybody. The beds had lost some of their unfriendliness now that they were properly made up with fresh sheets and patchwork blankets. If they had been staying any longer, he would have thought it wise to invest in a rag rug and some cheap tapestry sets.

“I went to go and check on the lads.”

He said, tucking himself in underneath the covers as he surveyed the Captain’s bedside table, already polluted by tins of pomade and different books with folded corners at various points.

“How are they?”

“Alright, mostly. The albino pirate’s in a cupboard type room, but he doesn’t seem to mind it too much.

Suddenly, outside, there was a creaking of floorboards. If either pirate didn’t know better, they would have found it oddly unsettling. They both did know better, however, and the fact that they both blew out their lanterns and settled down beneath the covers was in no way related to the fading sound of footsteps.

“Goodnight, Captain.”

“‘Night, Number Two.”


End file.
